so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
