I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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