Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
