Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I deserve to be covered in dicks
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
