just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
