everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
