I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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