YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
