the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We need a shit load of segways right now
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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