I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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