I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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