as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
