Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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