I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
