apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
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i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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