There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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