M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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