hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
