i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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