she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
