it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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