Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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