woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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