How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
