He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he fucked my hip out of place.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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