Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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