we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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