Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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