I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
