you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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