Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
