best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
