Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
