i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
