and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
