Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Operation Purity has been aborted
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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