he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
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This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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