um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
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you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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