God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
