david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
