i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
