is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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