I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
