Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
