I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
