something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
