God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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