i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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