i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
