I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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