She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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