I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
