I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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