i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
