I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
