Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
