Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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