i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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