so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
my liver is dry heaving
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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