Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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