the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
