Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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